


Your words in my head are knives in my heart

by JustAnotherFangirl_aka_lumine



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29702742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherFangirl_aka_lumine/pseuds/JustAnotherFangirl_aka_lumine
Summary: "Fat." "Ugly." "Worthless."Salgant battles his demons, and Rog is by his side every step of the way.This is discussing mental health issues, specifically Eating Disorders. Please proceed with caution.
Relationships: Rog (Tolkien) / Salgant (Tolkien)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Your words in my head are knives in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this work discusses eating disorders. If you have any issues relating to that, I would advise you to proceed with caution.

“You are worthless.” “No self control.” “Even a slug has more of a backbone than you.” “I knew you would screw up again.” “No chance you are ever going to lose weight.”

Over and over did the nasty voice in his head repeat this sentiment, as he stared numbly at his chocolate-stained hands. The kitchen was dark, but that was fine, Salgant could not bear any light. He did not even know how he was to even look in the mirror come morning. He was beyond ashamed. It had been only 20 hours and fifteen minutes since he had decided he was getting serious about loosing weight, and here he was, having raided the fridge and eaten the leftover chocolate cake. And not just one piece. No. All of it.

“I knew it. You are never going to change.” “You are worthless.” “Look how fat you are.” “You will never amount to anything.”

He bit his lip as quiet tears slipped down his face. He did not want to make any noise. Rog´s sleep was already troubled enough, he did not want to burden his boyfriend with any more. And he did not want Rog to see him like this, either.

“He has been trough so much. Do not wake him with your disgusting display of weakness.” “He deserves better than you.” “You are not worthy of his love, how could you be?” “You do not even deserve his or anyone´s kindness.” “If he sees you like this, he will leave.”

Normally he could ignore the voice pretty well, this voice in his head that threw the words of childhood bullies back at him. But why did it have to target Rog? Why was it always preying on his worst fears? Why did it have to be there at all, when he just wanted to disappear into thin air?

“You are not even brave enough to do something about your failings.” “Craven.” “You could make up for it, but you can´t even do that.”

Oh, he had thought about it. He had hovered over the toilet many times before. But he just could not bring himself to actually throw up what he had just eaten. He simply found the whole concept too disgusting to force his body to empty itself. He just could not do it. It would worsen the original problem, but he could not get over himself. This could be the time to actually do it. But he felt too heavy, too disgusting to even get up and try. He felt horribly sluggish, but that did nothing to stay his emotional turmoil. He pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face in them, painfully aware of how his shirt was straining over his belly. He just wanted to disappear, wishing for the earth to swallow him, allowing the voice to take over.

“Look at you.” “You´re disgusting.” “Be a man and do it.” “It will make the pain go away.” "Just one little touch and it´s done.” “Craven.” “Ugly.” “Fat.” “Worthless.” “Do yourself a favour.” “Grow a backbone.” “When you go to work, everyone will know.” “Everyone will laugh.” “Don´t you dare burden someone with your troubles.” “Total failure.” “Weak.” “Disgusting.” “Fat.” “How can you even look at yourself?” “They were right, you are disgusting.” “When they all finally notice what you are, they will be disgusted.” “Why can´t you be more like them.” “Thin, beautiful, loved… but not for you.” “It would be better if you did not exist at all.” “Everyone would be better of if you just evaporated.”

“Been kinda hungry?” A voice broke through the dark mist of his inner turmoil, pulling him from the bottomless pit of his self induced misery. He did not know how much time had passed, but as much as he had tried, Rog had still woken up. The pale light of the moon and fridge illuminated him, his dark eyes full of mirth, with his lean, muscular body and the scars that decorated it, wearing just a pair of pyjama bottoms. He looked like an angel.

“An angel that has been through hell. You don´t deserve him.”

Salgant cast down his eyes, as hard as it was. He could not bear to see that amused sparkle in Rog´s eyes turn to disgust, despite knowing that would happen if he only looked long enough. Don´t leave. Please don´t go. I cannot loose you. That was what he wanted to say, but no sound would emerge from his throat.

“He won´t stay. He deserves better than you.” “You have no right to ask him to stay.” “You can beg all you want, he will go.” “He is justified for leaving.” “You don´t deserve him.” “You will end alone, as they always predicted.”

And despite the fact he tried to stop it, a tiny little sob escaped him. When he looked up at Rog, his expression had changed from amusement to horror. Salgant realized to late that his boyfriend could read him all to well. Just leave, he thought. Do it now. Go, run out the door, but don´t hurt me any more. “Hey.”, Rog whispered, kneeling down before him. “Hey, hey.” His voice was so gentle, leaving Salgant broken and confused. Why was he still with him? Why did he gather him in his arms, oh so gently, careful not to squeeze, as if he realised how stuffed and sluggish he felt? It took a few seconds for him to accept that Rog was not leaving. He could not comprehend the reason, but he was still there. He desperately clung to him like a drowning child, his face hidden in Rog´s strong shoulder, his tears a steady stream, but the question remained. Why was he not appalled? Why was he still with him, even trying to comfort him? It was the only question the voice had been unable to answer. Why did Rog defy it´s logic? The question was scorching his soul. He needed to know.

“Why are you still with me?”, he breathed into the skin he would die to feel just once more after this, his voice a broken whisper. “How are you not disgusted with me? How can you stand to touch me, even now?” “Oh honey.”, Rog whispered, his voice quivering with tears just as much as Salgant´s own. “That is simple. It´s because I love you. Please don´t ever doubt that again. I love you. I want you to be happy more than anything in the world. I am with you because you and I make the best “we” I ever could have imagined.” Strong hands stroked Salgant´s back and hair as if to reassure him of the truth in this statement. A lingering kiss was pressed to his temple and “I love you”-s whispered into his ear, magic words that drowned out the voice in his head. It would come back another time, leaving only one burning, nasty question behind, one that Salgant was afraid to even ask. “How can you love me, as ugly and cowardly as I am?” Rog still relentlessly stroked his back, rocking him gently in his arms. “You are not ugly. Your eyes are the most beautiful things I have ever seen, I love your lips, and your little nose, and your hair. I love you´re hands and feet, your collarbones, and all the rest of you. Your weight does not bother me, because I know you mean that, first and foremost.” Salgant could not believe it. “Really? You are not only putting up with it? I cannot imagine that, it must bother you so much. How can you love me?”

Rog kissed his temple again, before letting go to look Salgant in the eyes. “First, you´re 30 lbs overweight at worst, which is not much in the grand scheme of things.” Salgant shook his head. “You know my metabolism. It will be more as soon as...” Rog gently shushed him. “Second, you are so much more than your weight. I love your laugh, your great way with kids, your kindness. I love the way you hum along when there´s a song on the radio you like. I love your quick wits, I love your organisation skills and level-headedness, I love that you are careful where I´m reckless, and diplomatic where I get angry. I love how you make me feel save. I feel like we make each other complete. And I definitely want to spent the rest of my life with you. And third”, he pulled Salgant back into his arms and whispered into his ear, “I think you´re absolutely stunning. Nothing is going to change my mind about this.” Salgant laughed despite himself, relaxing boneless against Rog´s sturdy chest. The sluggishness was the only feeling that Rog could not ease, and he felt incredibly tired and sleepy. His wonderful boyfriend seemed to notice his eyes were drooping, as he was gently nudged awake again. “Come on, let's get you cleaned up.”

Salgant closed his eyes as Rog gently wiped the chocolate stains of his hands and face. He was so tired that he could not even think straight any more, handing himself over with complete trust. Gentle little kisses were peppered all over his face, as his dirty, straining shirt was carefully unbuttoned and thrown into the laundry box. If it was anyone else, in any other situation, he would have flinched away from this. But Rog had effectively silenced the voice in his head and he could be free of it for a while. After all, had Rog not said that Salgant´s appearance did not bother him? That did not mean his bulging belly did make him any more comfortable, however. How could Rog seem to stand this?

“Eww, you do look like an absolute butterball. Disgusting.”

There it surfaced again, but Salgant was prepared this time. “Shut up.”, he told the voice, for the very first time.

“You want me to shut up? Pathetic.” “He does not know about me, does he?” “If he learns how broken you are, he will go.” “He seems okay with your appalling flabby self, but he sure is not going to love someone who is that weak.”

Would Rog leave him if he knew about this nasty voice? There was only one way to find out, but… he could not do that. What if it was right? No, he would not go. He had seen Salgant´s worst, had he not? If he had not left then, he would not go if he found out, would he? Rog had been kidnapped by human traffickers, with his own PTSD and night terrors to deal with. He deserved someone who was whole. God, this man deserved the world. It was selfish of Salgant, but he could not spill the beans about his demons to Rog. He would certainly loose him if he did.

A shirt was eased over his head, and he slipped through the armholes automatically. It was one of Rog´s shirts, smelling wonderfully of his boyfriend and fresh soap. He wondered for a second how it could be so loose on him, even with Rog being a lot taller than him. But he could not deny that this looseness felt good on his stuffed form. Just like Rog himself, it was never restricting in any way. “Is there anything else you might need?” He almost wanted to cry at the sweet gentleness of it. “Lend me a shirt for work tomorrow, for the sake of my dignity.”, he mumbled. “It will be impossible for me to find a shirt in my closet that I can actually button up without it looking positively ridiculous.”

He was gently led into their bedroom then and eased down onto the mattress, grunting almost inaudibly. “God, I think I never felt so stuffed before.” Rog had laid down next to him and was looking at him in a strange way, almost as if he wanted to ask permission for something, but did not dare to actually utter it. Salgant nodded. He could not quite grasp what he was consenting to, but he trusted Rog completely. He gasped as strong hands found their way beneath the shirt and started rubbing his bloated middle. For a moment, he felt like asking Rog to stop. He loathed himself for that bulge ever since he had become aware of it. But Rog´s caresses felt so good, way too good to be embarrassed. It was probably the most intimate touch he had ever allowed, and it was intoxicating. Not even full on intercourse had ever felt so personal.

“Enjoy it while you can. He will be gone come morning.” “How can he stay with you after witnessing that?” “How can he still be attracted to you after that?” “He knows all your flaws now, he has touched your loathsome stomach.” “You are fat, ugly and worthless, and he will soon realize that.” “Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself.” “You don´t deserve his love.”

Rog backed away this very moment, maybe he had felt him tense up. Salgant could not help but panic. “Please.”, he blurted out, begging, almost in tears. “Please don´t go. Please don´t leave me. I promise I´ll be better, I promise I´ll loose weight…”

“You won´t.” “You never will, and he knows now.” “You deserve to be dumped.” “He deserves better, and he will have better.” “You can still do it. Get the sin out your system.” “If you actually man up this time, maybe he´ll be kind and stay with your undeserving self.”

Rog looked at him, completely horrified, frozen for a second. Then he pulled Salgant into his arms, firm but still incredibly gentle. “I said it before and I will say it again, every day if you need, until you believe me: I won´t leave you because of your weight. I love you. I. Won´t. Leave. You. You don´t have to loose weight. You can do that, of course, if you really want it, and I´ll be by your side every step of the way. I want you to be happy. And if loosing weight is going to make you happy, I will support you. You don´t have to do it to keep me around. I love you. No matter what.”

Salgant stared in disbelief at Rog, whose eyes were sparkling with tears now. It did not make sense. Everyone did leave, and only the voice in his head remained, as nasty as it may be. It had always been that way. Why was Rog defying it? He had asked before how he could love him, this very night, and he has gotten an answer. It seemed completely illogical, but Salgant found himself relaxing. Rog was here, warm and strong and solid against him. He would enjoy it as long as it would last, and he would live on with the memory after he left, when his shattered heart was beyond repair.

“Darling?”, he asked. “Yes, honey?” “Could you get back to… you know…” How could Rog know what he wanted, if he could not even express it properly? But he could not utter the words. Could you rub my belly? The question felt beyond shameful. He was requesting something that no normal person could enjoy doing. Was it selfish of him to ask? It had felt so good, before the voice had spoilt it all. Rog´s face lit up like a child´s on Christmas, however, and his talented hands got back to working their magic, providing more relief in the aftermath of his shameful feast. He marvelled at how it never once embarrassed him, and how Rog seemed to even enjoy this. He allowed himself to melt into the wonderful touches, hand himself over and enjoy.

Until a small burp escaped him. He lifted one hand to his mouth, completely horrified, but Rog just chuckled and pressed a kiss to his flushed cheek. “I cannot even begin to tell you just how adorable that was.”, he whispered into Salgant´s ear. He just glanced up in wonder at the man lying next to him. How did he strike such luck? How did he deserve so much support, so much… love? Because that was what shone in Rog´s eyes, and Salgant had never, never thought that possible, not for him. The voice had been very clear about it.

And as Rog had yet again defied it, Salgant allowed his mind to drift in new directions, to things that he had been told to shut down before they fully formed. “You do have a thing for my belly, don´t you?”, he mumbled, flinching as he noticed he had just said that out loud. Rog looked equally startled and definitely guilty. He cupped Salgant´s cheek. “I hate the thought that it may upset you… but yes, I do. I have told you time and time again that you are smoking hot to me, and I… I do mean it.”

Salgant thought it should horrify or even disgust him, but it did not. In fact, it made him feel incredibly attractive for a moment, despite the fact he truly was not. Rog seemed to expect a more negative reaction, and it broke Salgant´s heart that his boyfriend felt like he could ever be disgusted with him. He kissed Rog on the cheek, before he dared to ask: “Would you still love me if I lost weight then?” Because he had to, only then would the voice shut up for good. Salgant could barely comprehend the relief Rog´s face portrayed. “I will love you no matter what.”, he whispered into Salgant´s hair. Salgant glanced up into his loving eyes and wondered how he could be so cherished by someone who deserved so much more than he was, someone who deserved the world. But most of all, Rog deserved the truth.

And so he told him, in this very hour, of the things he kept secret for the last two years, because he had been scared. He told him about the relentless bullying, that had gone on from kindergarten all throughout school and only in uni had the open mockery turned to dirty looks and whispers and poorly masked laughs at his appearance. He told him of all the diets he had tried, told him about the list of calories he had written even until months into their relationship, told him of the nightly fridge – raids after he had eaten nothing all day and about how he hovered over the toilet, wanting to throw up but could not bring himself to. He told him of the voice and how all of it made him feel dirty and ashamed. He even told him of his fears that Rog would leave him, as any other partner has left before, and how desperately he had tried to hide it all from him. How scared he had been, anytime he had brought Rog with him on a work outing, that he would take a liking to one of his co-workers, who all were tall and thin and beautiful and leave Salgant for good.

Rog listened to it completely silent, and as Salgant finished, tears were running down Rog´s face. “I´m so sorry.”, he whispered, cupping Salgant´s cheek like he had done before. “I´m so sorry I never noticed and never helped you. I knew your body made you uncomfortable, but I never saw just how deep it went. I cannot bear to think of how inconsiderate I have been of your feelings…  
I´m so sorry, please forgive me.” “Rog, please, it´s not your fault. I have been hiding from you, thinking you would be even more disgusted. The voice… it says you would be. But you were not. You never were. It´s not your fault that I´m broken.” “You´re not broken. It´s okay. But I do worry about it. Those thoughts cannot be healthy. Of course I´m not an expert, but that does sound like an eating disorder. And I want you to know that I will be by your side every step of the way. If I am to give you advice, I would recommend you go see a therapist.” That was maybe the best advice he ever received. He could get help. He would not have to fight the voice on his own. “That sounds good.”, he yawned. It was almost four in the morning by now, and both of them were beyond exhausted after this emotional rollercoaster of a night. But they had cleared the road ahead, and never had rest felt so sweet and so deserved as now, with them falling asleep snuggled up against the other.

When Salgant awoke, he found his head pounding and his stomach churning and cramping. It had been a while since he had been in so much pain. He whimpered quietly, knowing he should get up for work, but he could not. It hurt so much. He was not going to make it even to the phone to call in sick. All that could have been tolerable. But Rog was no longer lying next to him. Cold dread settled into his stomach and made the pain even worse. It was suffocating him. A desperate sob escaped his lips.

“Sin comes with consequences.” “You deserve this pain.” “You deserve to get fired for this.” “You could have avoided this.” “You just had to do it.” “Or never give in to your perverted cravings in the first place.” “And of course he is gone.” “Did you really think he would stick around?” “He touched your flab, for heaven´s sake. Of course he would not stay.” “All that sweet talk was just to spare your feelings.” “No need for that though. Maybe this heartache will teach you a lesson.” “Do something about your failings, or don´t pig out.” “That´s all you have to do.” “Stop stuffing your face.” “You never deserved him, no way anyone could love you.” “Fat.” “Ugly.” “Worthless.” “Completely broken.”

The mattress caved slightly next to him and a strong gentle hand stroked his hair. How was that possible?

“Great. Now you are hallucinating.” “No one is with you.” “Even the most besotted fool would know you are not worthy of kindness."

“Good morning, honey.”, a voice whispered gently from above. Salgant knew that voice. But how could it be? Rog was gone, just like the voice had predicted. Why did his mind have to torture him by dreaming up his voice? He turned onto his back with monumental effort, almost feeling that he must have put on yet more weight from his evening feast. God, he did not even want to know how many calories he had consumed. “Honey?”, the painfully familiar voice sounded worried now and somehow, Salgant found the strength to open his eyes. He looked directly into the gorgeous deep brown eyes of Rog, and miraculously, he could breathe again. This was real. He had not left. “Honey? What´s the matter?” Oh such gentleness. “I thought you gone.”, he whispered, broken, feverish, clasping Rog´s hand as if his life depended on it. “No need to worry.” He leaned down and gave Salgant a gentle kiss. “I love you. I won´t go. Whatever this voice in your head has been telling you, it´s a lie.”

Oh how Salgant wished he could live his life basking in Rog´s gentleness, but that was not possible. He had things to attend to. “Could you please hand me the phone, darling? I need to call my work. No chance I´m getting out of bed today.” “I already called in sick for you, for the next couple days. And I also called a therapist I´m friends with, who specializes in eating disorders. She´s free tomorrow, 2 pm, if that´s okay?” Salgant nodded. “I knew all that crying was not good, so I already got some painkillers, a buckwheat pillow and some tea for you.” “Without sugar?” “Without sugar. It is going to taste crappy.” “How do I deserve you again, darling?” “Same here.”, Rog gently kissed his brow before handing him the tea. “I do love you.” “I love you too. That´s sweet of you.”  
“Anything for a whole day of snuggling up with you.” Which was precisely what they did.

The other day they headed into town, and though Salgant thought himself prepared, he was still nervous about his very first therapy session. There was something in him that wanted the voice to stay, it had been there when no one else had, accompanied him through so much, and even though it was nasty and toxic, a part of him still felt like it needed to hold on. But Rog´s bravery was rubbing off a bit, and so Salgant went ahead. The therapist´s office was cool and pleasantly scented, probably for her patients to feel more comfortable. That eased Salgant´s nervousness a bit. He liked it. And of course, Rog´s encouraging smile worked wonders, too. After a while, the secretary called them to the front. “Mr. Salgant Harp?”, she asked. He nodded. “Dr. Celebrindal is ready for you now. The room at the end of the corridor.” Salgant thanked her, though his throat felt a bit tight. Rog squeezed his hand. “We are doing this. Let´s get this thing to leave you alone.”

Dr. Celebrindal was a rather young woman with blond hair and a sweet smile. She greeted Rog friendly, than turned to Salgant. Despite her best effort to make him feel at ease, the session turned horrible pretty soon. So many insanely painful memories rose inside him, wanting to take him under, triggering at least two full blown panic attacks. The voice was fighting for control over him. He was so grateful that Rog was there, holding his hand the entire time. Even tough he was exhausted by the end of it, he left with antidepressants, a diagnosis and a next appointment.

It felt so good to finally have a name for what was wrong with him, he later confessed to Rog, who had persuaded him to go for an ice cream. It was far from perfect yet, but he would fight.  
Rog´s eyes were alight with love, warming him from deep inside. He did not have to loose weight to be happy. He was allowed to enjoy life. And he had a wonderful boyfriend by his side who loved him for him, allowing him to finally, finally let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Thankfully, I do not have an eating disorder myself. So I do apologize for any description in this work that might be inaccurate or offensive.


End file.
